Happiness.

I'm hilarious.

Here's what I've realised about myself:

• I want to be in the States.
• I want to be in SA.
• I want to travel.
• I want some security and stability.
• I want a boyfriend.
• I want to be alone.
• I like my boyfriend.
• I don't like my boyfriend.
• I want to have a full time job.
• I want to have a part time job.
• I want to be in LA.
• I want to leave LA.
• I want to see as much of the States as I can.
• I want to stay in one place to get a deeper understanding of the people and the place.
• I want to be a Sangoma.
• I want to be a normal person.
• I want to live in SA.
• I want to live in the States.
• I want to live in Cape Town.
• I want to live in Gauteng.
• I want to work from home.
• I want to work in an office with other people.

Maybe you're starting to get the drift here. 

It doesn't matter what I have, inside of me there's always a part that believes that the exact opposite will be better somehow.  It doesn't matter how fabulous my life is.  Hell, I could be the Queen of Sheba and sit on my throne of gold and I'll wonder how blissful it must be to be a cleaner without responsibility. 

If I keep going on this way nothing will ever be good enough for me because I will always believe that what I don't have is better.

That means that I will always have a sense of inadequacy, no matter where I go.  I will be living in the past or the future and hoping to get the opposite of what I have and in the process LIFE WILL PASS ME BY and I won't be able to blame anyone for it but myself.

So:

• I devote myself to this journey 100%. 
• There is no better place for me to be right now than the place that I have consciously chosen for myself to be. 
• Everything else is illusion, and my ideas about it are lies.  
• I want to be here, completely, with no expectations. 

It takes a whole lot less energy to live that way.