Rollercoasters

No normality for Alice.

None whatsoever.

Falling down the rabbit hole has given me exactly what I asked for: zero predictability, personal space or routine.

What I wouldn't give today for my own room! I used to live in the most beautiful 3 bedroom apartment right across the beach, with a view of Table Mountain, Robben Island and the endless blue sea. Now I'm living in a dorm in a suburb affectionately known as "the tenderloin" because of the prostitution trade in the area. (Moenie worry nie Ma, ek maak 'n plan.)

4 beds is very decent as far as dorms go, but 4 people coming and going at all hours of the day and night is enough to drive me completely batty. The Korean currently bunking beneath me felt compelled to re-organise all the plastic bags in her suitcase at 2am this morning. I smelt blood in the air. She also bought herself a tiny pink guitar with which she seems endlessly happy. She made me take many photographs of her pretend-playing it.

I feel tired today. Like I've been running in circles for weeks and just realised it. My diet has descended into the depths of hell. I used to be mostly sugar/wheat free, now I eat whatever is available and cheap. (Except if it's beer. Always money for beer.) I've been assessing my budget and it hasn't been fun. I've spent half of it a month too early and my costs just seem to be escalating. (Beer had nothing to do with it.)

It's a beautiful day in California but my heart aches for everything left behind and lost. Cats, flats, relationships, friends, family. Some days it feels like I might burst with the amount of love and emotion inside of me. I search rather aimlessly for someone to connect with in a city I don't know and find nothing around every corner. My exploration has little to do with monuments, galleries and museums. It's humans I have come searching for. A sense of belonging to something.

I haven't found it yet.

Maybe tomorrow. Tomorrow will be better.

Maybe I need to take a closer look at the Korean at hand and take up the guitar.