I embroider a new tapestry for my life.
When I was overseas the pattern was big, bold: one central design with detail added into it. Now it’s a patchwork of small pieces. There is nothing central, no coherency. It's a busy piece of work that leaves you feeling dizzy if you stare at it for too long.
The thing about travelling is that it simplifies. All the things that used to fill up your time just fall away. Now it's spent visiting the grocer, servicing the car, fixing my shoes. I’m constantly distracted from life. I spin a warm and safe cocoon that consists of nothing substantial yet manages to block out the world and all it offers. I barely write. Instead I get lost in the technicalities of my life. I worry about money. I spend most of my time living in a future I’m uncertain of and where the uncertainty of travel brings you into the here and now the uncertainty of being in one place leads to sleepless nights and worry. How will I pay the bills? Will I find a partner in crime again anytime soon? I make lists of things to do and run aimlessly after them all day long. At the end of the day I have no sense of completion. When I was travelling my blog did that for me. I felt like I had a voice, like I could say something. Now my voice has gotten lost in the white noise of my everyday existence.
The only thing that means anything here is being a Sangoma. It gives me meaning, makes my life valuable in some way. I throw myself into it and learn a box full of new tricks. Slowly clients trickle back into my life. Treatments start to happen. They leave me with some sense of real satisfaction.
It's so easy to get lost in all of this, to just let go and fall into the drama of life. Get absorbed in one small world governed only by me and my rules.
I really, really don't want to do that, but I'm watching it happen a little more everyday.
Thanks for the post. I had been waiting for my Alice fix.
ReplyDeleteI keep thinking about the differences between travel life and still life. For me, the big difference is the expectations that I have for myself. When I am travelling, I know who I am and what I am doing. I am a traveler who is traveling. Everything, from eating to sleeping to walking aimlessly, is an event. And if I'm doing it than I am doing it correctly because traveling is my job. When I am home, all the little things become a means to get somewhere else. The little things do not seem to be good enough. So I really wonder how can I be a traveler in my own life?
EXACTLY Julie.
ReplyDeleteWe're so on the same page girl. My life is suddenly all about the future again where if you are traveling it's just about the here and now and observing what's around you and experiencing as much as you can. Bliss! Now I'm all caught up in the little things again. How to be a traveler in your own life? What a lovely question to ask ourselves. Me, I've got no clue how to do it. The only solution seems to leave, to hit the road, to shed as much "stuff" as possible. I can't get my head around doing it here.
Can you advise?
I suspect that it requires a very focused game of pretend. A bit of delusion until the imaginary becomes reality. I'm going to try to pretend that I am traveling. Every time the voices of discontent or unworthiness chime in, I will step back and remind myself that I am a traveler (in my own life). And this isn't imaginary. Why else are we here but to experince the world. If I choose to experience getting the oil changed in the car, fine. If I choose to experience my car breaking down on the side of the road, that's fine too. Hey, there's no right or wrong, I'm just traveling along,seeing what happens, and dealing with the events as they come. So my grand experiment: fake it 'til I make it. I'll keep you posted how I get on with it.
ReplyDeleteOne more thing ... The travel is just pretend too. It just provides a temporary label that satisfies the question, "who am I?"
ReplyDeleteOkay ... so I can't keep up the game of pretend. I can't even pretend to have that much focus. But I have been finding that when my spirit dips, I can (sometimes) remember to ask the question: what if I was traveling right now? It isn't miraculous; I don't suddenly feel the freedom of travel and the Moment, but the asking does provide a subtle shift. I step back a little and become aware at how tightly I am grasping.
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